My Window

As I was hugging my friends goodbye after a lovely dinner my mind kept saying “please not yet”. I didn’t want to leave them.

Driving home I found myself suddenly alone. My gut filled with a deep pull wanting to talk to someone, anyone that could remind me that I’m loved.

It’s silly because I know I’m loved so why did I feel so lonely? How come good moments leave me feeling somber? As if I value quality time so much I can’t bear to have it end. Does everyone feel this way?

Sometimes I have no excuse to feel lonely.

I live with six other people that I love dearly, have amazing friends, and have a wonderful boyfriend. Sure, some of them are across the country, but still, I know they love me. I know that the things I contribute to this world are important.

These feelings remind me of when I didn’t understand my worth. A time I don’t like reflecting on. The thought of having such little self love makes me cringe, yet here I am still failing to remember it in rare moments.

Sometimes it’s hard to not let the adversary get the best of my thoughts. Often by the time I realize what’s happening it’s like I’m on a roller coaster I was pressured to get on and I just have to ride it out. It feels like no matter what I try to do to help, I just have to sit in the sadness for a bit. I’ve learned that that’s okay sometimes and luckily it’s usually short-lived these days, but I do wish I understood it more. I wish I felt like I had more control over my own emotions. I know it’s something I’ll keep learning, but my patience is slim.

In the midst of writing this is got a text that said “Hey! I love you”. No prompt or specific reason, just a Heavenly messenger sending some love where it’s needed. Things like that help me know that even when I feel lonely, there’s always someone looking out and everything is going to be okay. It shows me that even though a happy thing had an opposite aftermath, it’s just a reminder that I am surrounded by wonderful people that I care for and that care for me and what a blessing it is to get to enjoy their company.

I can’t wait to keep learning about the kinds of sadness that are showing me just how much I have to be grateful for.